It can be so painful to watch a loved one struggle with a mental health problem, drug addiction, or another personal issue. You may not know how or what to do. Unfortunately, your inherent instinct to protect and comfort them may actually result in dangerous consequences. This is why it's important to truly understand the fine line between enabling and supporting others.
What Does It Mean to Enable Someone?
Enabling can be so covert, but it happens when you try to shield someone from natural consequences. Enabling behaviors often feel protective and they may reduce immediate harm. However, they tend to perpetuate long-term consequences, and they can perpetuate cycles of people self-destructing or not growing in the ways they developmentally should.
Anyone can enable problematic behavior, but it's more often seen in parent-child dynamics or within the context of romantic relationships. Enabling behaviors come in many forms, but some of the main ones include:
Lying (or making excuses) about their behavior: Loved ones might try to cover up the truth to protect their loved one (or themselves). For example, they might tell someone, Oh, their drinking isn't that bad. They only really get that drunk when on the weekends.
Taking over responsibilities: Doing someone's work or fulfilling their obligations (or bailing them out of trouble) is an enabling behavior that comes from a place of good intentions. However, it often perpetuates helplessness.
Financial support: This comes in the form of giving someone money even if you know they will misuse it or if they've had a pattern of taking advantage of you in the past.
Occasional enabling is not inherently problematic. However, when it's a persistent pattern (or when you continue to disregard your own morals), you play a role in fostering codependent dynamics and maintaining the problem. Over time, enabling becomes draining, both emotionally and financially. You may also grow to resent your loved one, which can cause immense friction within the relationship.
Guidelines for Supporting and Helping Someone in Need
Support involves offering guidance in ways that empower your loved one to make good choices and live autonomously. The right support motivates people to take ownership. It also provides a stable foundation of care without minimizing or denying the impact of harmful behaviors.
Proactive support includes:
Instilling healthy boundaries: This means clearly articulating which behaviors are permissible and what consequences you will implement if the limits are violated. For example, it's reasonable for a family member to tell someone with a substance use disorder they won't allow them to use drugs in their home. This is a common boundary, and many mental health professionals would back it. A consequence could be that you will force them to leave if you discover they are using.
Actively listening to their struggles and needs: Offer your compassion and kindness without judgment. Don't assume you know how your loved one feels.
Reviewing options together: Instead of rushing in to "fix" a problem, pause. Sit down with your loved one and discuss the options together. Review the pros and cons. Remember that it's not your job to shield them from all the pain in the world.
Helping them access appropriate resources: You can assist them in finding a treatment program, support groups, therapy, or other sources of guidance. While you can't make someone get help, you can set boundaries around what you will do if they don't make any changes.
How to Move Away From Enabling Behaviors
Self-awareness about enabling is the first step toward change. That said, it's not easy to stop enabling someone, and your loved one may become upset or angry if you start setting limits. Having your own professional help can provide you with guidance and tools to manage this change in your life. In addition, the following suggestions may help:
Acknowledge your fears: What comes up when you think about changing how you respond to your loved one? What are you most worried about? What is the worst thing that could happen, and if it did happen, how do you think you might cope?
Remember that you can't change other people: Although this may be a painful reality, you ultimately can't control anyone else's behavior. That doesn't mean you can't offer love and guidance, but trying to force someone to change may result in more internal suffering.
Practice your own self-care: Many loved ones neglect their own needs in the process of enabling others. There are many ways to practice self-care, but the main goal is to prioritize your well-being and personal relationships. You deserve to have space to tend to your own needs and values.
Final Thoughts on Helping Your Loved One's Addiction and Mental Health Challenges
At Resurface Group, we are passionate about helping individuals and their loved ones recover, live meaningful lives, and strengthen their sense of connectivity. We work with all substance use disorders and mental health conditions, and we offer dynamic, collaborative care tailored to your individual needs.
Contact us today to learn more about our programs.
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