The fear of abandonment is among the most primal forms of human anxiety. From birth, we are biologically wired to seek connection from others- when these relationships feel threatened, it can activate immense fear, causing us to engage in destructive behavior patterns that we may later regret.
With that in mind, the interplay between abandonment issues and self-sabotage behaviors is complex and multilayered. Furthermore, certain mental health conditions like PTSD, anxiety, depression, or borderline personality disorder may influence how and why people self-sabotage their well-being.
Understanding the Fear of Abandonment
At its core, abandonment wounding refers to real or perceived fears about being rejected or completely alone. All people face some form of this fear, but those with trauma histories, mental health concerns, or personality disorders often experience this fear at heightened intensities.
Abandonment fears can show up in many ways, including:
intense need for reassurance from loved ones, especially in romantic relationships
low self-esteem and feeling unworthy
sacrificing your own happiness or desires for the sake of maintaining a relationship
avoiding intimate relationships
deliberately or subconsciously hurting others before they can hurt you)
engaging in addictive behaviors to relieve emotional pain or provide pseudo-emotional connection
The paradox, of course, is that these behaviors- while rooted in self-protection and safety- actually reinforce the very abandonment that people are trying to prevent. This is where self-sabotaging behavior comes into play.
Types of Self-Sabotage
Self-sabotage is an umbrella term that largely refers to engaging in certain behaviors that stunt happiness, stability, success, or healthy relationships. People who self-sabotage often need a sense of control- the idea is that pushing people away first mitigates some of the intense pain associated with rejection or loss.
Patterns of codependent or unhealthy relationships: The fear of being alone can lead people to remain in unstable or unhealthy adult relationships. Unfortunately, the weight of these relationships often just reinforces feelings of unworthiness or unloveability.
Avoiding emotional vulnerability: Sometimes self-sabotage comes in the form of emotional avoidance. People avoid doing anything that makes them feel uncomfortable- this can stunt growth and maintain a perpetual sense of emotional distance from others.
Patterns of relapse: Addiction often intertwines with self-sabotaging behaviors. Some people with abandonment issues struggle to manage negative emotions and become dependent on mood-altering substances to cope with life's adversities. However, addiction reinforces shame spirals and often drives away social support.
Pushing away safe or trusted people: Abandonment fears can cause people to sabotage positive relationships, reinforcing a self-fulfilling prophecy that nobody can be trusted or everyone will leave. Efforts to push people away can look like picking fights, withdrawing during times in stress, and being emotionally volatile.
How to Stop Self-Sabotaging Cycles
If you fear abandonment or sabotage relationships, you're not alone. However, your fear doesn't need to dictate your own life or destroy your capacity to engage in meaningful connections.
Address your core fear: Therapy can help you process the underlying experiences impacting abandonment wounding. Trauma-focused therapy, in particular, focuses on the origins of separation anxiety and early moments of grief that may be affecting you now. Exploring these past relationships- and your feelings about them- may help you better take care of yourself in the here and now.
Reevaluate your own relationships: It's a good idea to prioritize building or nurturing relationships with people with secure attachment styles. Healthy connections gradually show you that people can offer a sense of consistency and warmth. While this doesn't mean they can't leave (and everyone, of course, dies), you can slowly learn how to stay grounded in the present moment to enjoy the time you share.
Strengthen your emotional regulation skills: When abandonment triggers feel activated, it's important to learn how to cope without resorting to destructive behaviors. Emotional regulation comes in many forms, but may include mindfulness, journaling, engaging in physical activity, resting, talking it out with a loved one, or praying.
Cultivate more self-compassion: Healing from abandonment wounds entails leaning on self-compassion, which means treating yourself with more self-kindness during challenging times. Some people find it helpful to hold an image of their inner child when they're feeling particularly vulnerable.
Allow yourself to lean into connection and love: As scary as it may feel, getting emotionally invested in others matters. Love is such a crucial life force, and deepening your relationships with others is one of the best ways to feel happier in your life.
Caring for Your Mental Health and Past Trauma at Resurface Group
At Resurface Group, we understand that recovery is so much more than stopping self-destructive behaviors. It's about understanding why such behaviors exist in the first place. Through trauma-focused, evidence-based care, we help people navigate the fears underlying addiction, mental health struggles, and relational challenges.
Contact us today to learn more about our programs.
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