Think about the last conversation you had with a loved one. How present did you feel? How safe do you think they felt with you? Were you able to convey a genuine interest in what they had to say- or did it feel like you were just hearing words?
If you struggle with listening, you're not alone. Most of us focus on how to be good talkers, and we dismiss the importance of holding space for others.
With that said, strengthening your listening skills is one of the best ways to improve your relationships and maintain an overall sense of connection to others. Here are some steps to keep in mind.
Surround Yourself With Good Listeners
When it comes to strengthening any important skill, it's beneficial to have a good role model (or several good role models). Think about the best listener you know. What makes them so effective?
Chances are, they:
give you their undivided attention when you talk
convey open body language that exudes attentiveness
show a deep desire to understand your needs and feelings
validate what you have to say
The more time you spend around these kinds of listeners, the more you can pick up on what they do during your interactions. This can inadvertently strengthen your own listening skills.
Repeat or Summarize Key Points
People want to be witnessed and understood when they share ideas. This applies no matter how "serious" the conversation is. Nobody wants to feel like they're just talking to a wall.
So, as you embrace active listening, your goal is to make the other person feel truly heard. You can do this by repeating what stood out the most to you in the conversation. This sounds like, What stood out to me was when you said your boss told you that you need to try harder.
You can also summarize a reflection by saying, What I hear is that you're really frustrated with work right now. You feel like your boss is never happy with anything you do. This type of reflection conveys empathy and a desire to understand their perspective effectively.
Consider the Nonverbal Cues
So much of communication has nothing to do with the spoken word. Eye contact, tone of voice, facial expressions, closed postures, or leaning in for a hug carry an undeniable cadence. These cues can't and shouldn't be ignored.
If you sense that someone is pulling back, for instance, you may need to slow down. Effective communication is about meeting someone where they're at. Always mind your ego and remember that you don't want to force someone to talk when they don't feel comfortable.
Acknowledge When You Don't Understand
Although it may seem counterintuitive, being a good listener isn't about getting "everything right." For instance, you can listen closely and still not fully understand the other person's point. Or, you can try your best to listen but inevitably feel distracted by something else.
If this happens, here are some ways to repair it:
"I just want to make sure I understand. Can you repeat what you said about ___?"
"I think you're trying to say ___. Does that sound right?"
"I'm sorry, I really care about what you need to say. It's been such a long day for me, and I'm feeling a bit tired/stressed/distracted. I'm wondering if we can revisit this conversation for a later time?"
Avoid Interrupting Altogether
An active listener gives plenty of time and space for people to convey what they need to say. And while most people don't want to interrupt when others talk, breaking this habit can certainly feel easier said than done. Changing how you respond entails cultivating introspection, patience, and effort.
Count to two: Even if you think the other person has stopped talking, take a brief pause and mentally count two beats. This gives the other person time to truly finish and it conveys an important sense of respect.
Identify why you interrupt: Do you interrupt more with certain people than others? When are you most likely to interrupt a specific conversation? Anxiety, excitement, feeling pressured, or disagreeing with a contentious point are all common triggers for interrupting.
Create a physical cue for yourself: If you note the urge to interrupt, adopt a physical reminder to keep quiet. This can be as simple as holding one hand over the other- over time, you will associate this habit with staying quiet.
Improving Your Relationships and Emotional Well-Being With Resurface Group
Relationships unquestionably give life meaning and purpose. When you feel connected to someone else, you have a sense of belonging. This sense of belonging can help heal old wounds and facilitate greater joy, happiness, and gratitude.
That said, some mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, substance use, and trauma, make it difficult to form secure relationships. At Resurface Group, we help people better understand their triggers and emotions to live more authentically.
No matter your circumstances, we are here to support you! Contact us today to learn more about our dynamic programs.
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