Although the concept of jealousy has a bad reputation, jealous feelings are normal and universal. Even the most secure, confident people feel jealous at various points in life.
There's really no such thing as "unhealthy jealousy," so the idea of embracing how to manage jealousy is far more virtuous than overcoming jealousy. Remember that emotions are involuntary impulses, and you can't control how you feel. However, you can take proactive steps toward harnessing jealousy effectively to honor having a healthy relationship with your partner.
When approached with intention and awareness, jealousy prompts you to better understand unmet needs or communication gaps. Working through these concerns with your partner can actually strengthen your relationship for the better.
Validate Your Jealousy
Trying to control or eliminate feelings of jealousy is an unrealistic goal. We are wired to experience this feeling- it's an emotion rooted in our evolutionary instincts to protect our relational bonds and preserve our sense of emotional security.
Although even normal jealousy can feel uncomfortable, acknowledging it is essential for understanding its underlying causes. Jealousy can serve as a guide, offering deeper self-awareness and encouraging more open discussions within romantic relationships. By validating your emotions for what they are, you create an opportunity to strengthen trust and intimacy within yourself.
Consider the Other Feelings
Jealousy rarely exists in a vacuum, and jealousy stems from fear. If you're noticing excessive jealousy, there's also a good chance you're experiencing other strong emotions like anger, fear, shame, or loneliness. Sometimes paying attention to those emotions is far more important than paying attention to the jealousy itself.
The next time you note yourself experiencing jealousy, ask yourself: Do I also feel nervous about something in this relationship? What is the perceived threat right now? What might be happening to provoke jealousy right now?
Jealous people may struggle to cope with those other emotions. Instead, they feel so flooded by their jealousy that they lose sight of what else may be going on. That's why the internal pause is so important. If you're feeling threatened in your relationship, it's important to consider the full context of your emotions.
Practice Healthy Regulation When Jealous Feelings Arise
Feeling jealous isn't inherently problematic. It's more important to focus on how you react when an uncomfortable emotion arises, and it's equally important to pay attention to how you cope when jealous tendencies creep into your relationship.
For example, one jealous partner might react to their feelings by lashing out or deciding to look through their partner's phone to "ensure" that nothing is going on. Another person may notice their jealous thoughts and feelings and make a more conscious effort to self-soothe, communicate openly, or seek reassurance productively.
If your jealousy triggers impulsive actions that impact trust, it's important to prioritize emotional regulation strategies. These can include: mindfulness strategies, journaling, taking a walk, talking to someone else who you trust, or engaging in a
Prioritize Healthy Communication
One of the best ways to deal with jealousy in a relationship is by prioritizing honest and open communication. Instead of assuming the worst or suppressing your emotions, aim to express your concerns in a way that cultivates connection over potential conflict.
Unspoken resentment can destroy relationships and erode your self-respect. If jealousy arises from a legitimate issue- such as a pattern of secrecy or a lack of giving you attention- try to address this need directly. For example, instead of blaming your partner for being selfish, you may want to say, "I don't believe it's your intention, but I do feel insecure when you choose to spend most weekend nights with your friends instead of me."
Improve Your Low Self-Esteem
Jealousy can be rooted in personal insecurities rather than a partner's direct actions. If you feel inadequate or worry that your partner will leave you for someone "better," it may be time to work on strengthening your self-esteem issues.
Building confidence and self-worth takes time. This starts by recognizing your own achievements, practicing gratitude, and grounding yourself when you feel jealous or overwhelmed. It may also include deeper emotional work, including addressing unresolved trauma or treating depression or anxiety symptoms.
Remember that it's not your partner's job to manage your self-esteem. While all humans are interdependent and rely on attachment for survival, it's not fair to expect someone else to automatically make you feel secure at all times. This can reinforce themes of codependency. Self-love matters and neglecting yourself sets the stage for jealousy negatively impacting your relationship.
Strengthening Your Relationship and Building a Healthy Self-Esteem With Resurface Group
If you resonate with being a jealous person, you're not alone- and you certainly don't have to manage these feelings on your own. At Resurface Group, we specialize in helping people develop healthier emotional patterns, build confidence, and improve their relationships.
We understand that unresolved mental health issues can exacerbate how jealousy shows up in daily life. Our dynamic treatment helps clients strengthen their resilience, resolve unwanted symptoms, and take ownership of their actions.
Please contact us today to learn more about our programs.
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