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RESOURCES FROM RESURFACE

How to Stop a Shame Spiral


Shame spirals occur when guilt, self-criticism, or remorse become so overwhelming that they escalate into a sense of emotional suffering. Instead of simply taking responsibility over what happened- and trying to move on gently- you move into a place of deep self-loathing, making it hard to look at yourself objectively or compassionately. Here are some tips that can help.


Signs You're About to Have Shame Spiral

Self-shaming comes in many different forms, but some signs that you may be having a shame spiral include:


  • obsessive rumination about the mistake or perceived flaw

  • feeling alone and also wanting to withdraw from others

  • physical symptoms that mimic anxiety, including body tension, racing heart, tears, and chest tightness

  • negative self-talk that feels persistent and hostile

  • intense feelings that you are a terrible person and undeserving of love, compassion, or even support


How to Intervene When You Feel Shame

Identifying and working through shame can be challenging. It isn't just about arbitrarily applying positive self-talk or distracting yourself with self-care. Deconstructing a shame spiral entails introspection and self-compassion.


Label Your Emotions

Feelings of shame aren't always imminent- at least when they first emerge. Sometimes shame is clouded by other feelings, including anger, sadness, guilt, embarrassment, or loneliness.

However, it's important to understand how and when you experience shame. Like other emotions, it's normal, and you may find that simply labeling it neutralizes its intensity.

When you note shame, ask yourself:

  • How overwhelmed do I feel by this feeling right now?

  • What does this feel like in my body?

  • What other emotions or needs do I notice myself having?

  • What expectations do I have about myself that coincide with my shame?


Lean on Self-Compassion

It's easy to abandon yourself when the self-doubt is strong. You become your own worst critic, stuck in a deep struggle of self-blame and despair.


Self-compassion on the other hand, offers a gentle approach to working through shame. The first step is choosing to engage in self-kindness, the way you might speak or act with a friend experiencing this emotional state. What would you tell them to do during this moment? How would you encourage them to be gentle with themselves?


Self-compassion also entails leaning on the collective human experience. Everyone must deal with shame and insecurity at different points, and regret is a fairly universal emotion as well. Your shame is not indicative of something wrong within you- it's just indicative of a feeling you're having right now.


Anchor Yourself to the Here and Now

Mindfulness is important for all aspects of mental health, and it can also stop a shame spiral. Instead of ruminating on the past or panicking about the future, mindfulness asks you to reflect on exactly what's happening in the present moment. This fosters an awareness of your own body, emotional states, and external needs. This, in turn, can help break up the intensity of your shame.


Talk to Someone

Shame has a way of telling us that we're bad, that something is wrong, that we acted in a way that goes against some universal moral code. This challenging feeling often leads people to withdraw from others, feeling even more isolated in their experiences.


No matter how horrible the shame feels, you might find sharing it with someone else helpful. If you aren't ready to tell someone you know, consider putting it somewhere- even if it's posted anonymously alone.


Reflect on What Your Shame Can Teach You

Taking this perspective allows you to shift from obsessive thinking into open curiosity. Instead of jumping to self-flagellation, try to get more quiet. Ask yourself:

  • How were my actions intended to protect or comfort me?

  • What need was I trying to meet?

  • What have I learned about my riggers?

  • How do I most want to make meaning out of this particular feeling of shame?

  • What might happen if I choose to let go of my shame right now?

  • What do I need to treat myself with grace or kindness right now?

  • Where can I find acceptance around how I feel at this moment?


Be Mindful About the Triggers That Evoke Shame

You can't avoid feeling shame altogether, but you can take steps to potentially reduce your exposure to certain people, places, or situations that often coincide with shame. For example, if you know that you often feel shame after spending time with your mother, it may be time to reflect on whether you might need to set more limits about how and when you engage with one another.


The idea isn't to focus on building a life free from being triggered. However, you're allowed to pursue joy and happiness, and you deserve to practice good stress management to take care of yourself.


Embracing Recovery and Emotional Well-Being at Resurface Group

If shame is affecting your life, it may speak to other underlying mental health conditions, including depression, anxiety, dissociation, PTSD and complex trauma, personality disorders, substance abuse, and more.


At Resurface Group, we are here to support you and your loved ones in all stages of recovery. Contact us today to learn more about our unique programs.


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