How to Stop Projecting Onto Others

Projection is a defense mechanism where people attribute their own thoughts, needs, or feelings onto other people. This is an unconscious process that allows you to displace emotions that feel too unacceptable or uncomfortable to hold within yourself.

Everyone projects sometimes, but chronic or intense projection can stunt your personal growth and result in serious relationship problems. Learning how to stop projecting helps you feel more grounded in your sense of self, and it can increase closeness within relationships.

What Does Psychological Projection Look Like?

Projecting feelings onto others tends to be unconscious and involuntary. You probably don't realize how and when you do it, but here are some signs you may resonate with:

Assuming people feel the same way you do: It's easy to assume that our own life mirrors that of others. For example, if you feel like something is really great or really bad, you may assume that others share the same intense reactions you do. Or, if you find yourself feeling extreme anger about something, you may also feel surprised- or upset- if others don't share this emotion.

Projecting past experiences onto the present moment: In relationships, projection can happen when you assume this person will do something another person did. For example, if a past partner cheated on you, you might default to believing your current partner will do the same.

Focusing on the negative traits others have that you also have: It often feels easier to blame others for having problems than look inward. If you tend to procrastinate- but haven't addressed it- you might accuse someone else of procrastinating or being too lazy.

Blaming others for your own feelings: Projection can sometimes look like the tendency to shift blame onto others. One classic example is when a person comes home after a long, hard day at work and accuses their partner of being in a bad mood.

Shifting responsibility onto others: This comes in the form of avoiding responsibility for your own behaviors or feelings. If you are late to work, you might blame traffic rather than honestly admit that you didn't leave home at a reasonable time.

How to Stop Projecting Onto Others

Recognizing projection is the first step toward changing your behavior. Changing this pattern is multifaceted, requiring you to learn how to sit with uncomfortable emotions, strengthen your self-image, and take responsibility for your unmet needs.

Here are some ways you can manage and change projection tendencies:

Strengthen your emotional awareness: Projection is built from our own emotions, and it thrives in areas where we have limited self-awareness. This is why it's important to prioritize self-reflection and introspection. Try to get more honest with yourself about your feelings, needs, and reactions.

The more you understand yourself and your patterns, the more you can recognize when projection happens.

Aim to practice perspective-taking: It's easy to jump to conclusions and assume that others must be thinking or feeling a certain way. This is why it's important to practice flexible thinking patterns. If, for example, a friend suddenly stops texting you, you might believe, they don't like me. They don't want to talk to me. Pause, and take a breath. What other possibilities might exist? What else could be contributing to this dynamic?

Commit to active listening: Prioritize being more curious about other people and their feelings and experiences. Active listening cultivates genuine connection, and it can decrease your tendency to make snap assumptions. That's because truly striving to understand someone else makes you more aware of this other person's inner world.

Acknowledge your own uncomfortable feelings: Allow yourself to lean into acceptance when it comes to your negative feelings or negative thoughts. As much as possible, try to practice self-compassion and avoid judging yourself for your inner experiences. The more you can settle into certain feelings- and find comfort within your own body and mind- the more tolerable discomfort often becomes.

Aim to heal past emotional wounds: Sometimes negative feelings are chronic. Maybe you always feel insecure in a group setting. If that's the case, it probably has less to do with the group and more to do with your own feelings and needs. Consider the origin of this pain. Discern ways you can differentiate past experiences from the present moment.

Prioritize taking care of your self-esteem: People with low self-esteem may be more prone to projecting their own insecurities onto others. Strengthening your self-worth can reduce the need to externalize negative emotions. Try to spend time engaging in activities that make you feel good- the more secure you feel in yourself, the less likely you are to dwell on what others are doing.

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