A disorganized attachment style refers to experiencing mixed patterns of avoidance with anxiety. Subsequently, this attachment style blends symptoms from both the avoidant attachment style with the anxious attachment style. If you struggle with this kind of attachment, you long for intimacy and closeness, but actually experiencing them feels frightening and unstable.
Therefore, people with a disorganized attachment style often struggle with 'push-pull' dynamics. Trusting others feels hard, and you may repeatedly sabotage your relationships. You may also relate to feeling like you don't know what you really need from yourself or others.
Signs of Disorganized Attachment
All attachment styles exist on a spectrum, and it's important to be mindful of the inherent limits of labels. Nobody fits into a perfect box, which is true for any attachment style.
However, if you experience disorganized attachment, you will resonate with many of the following struggles:
intensely desiring intimate relationships
deeply feeling unworthy or unlovable
fearing vulnerability and rejection
struggling to trust that people genuinely care about you
feeling hypervigilant about rejection
pushing people away when you feel overwhelming emotions
shutting down or dissociating during conflict
feeling like you sabotage relationships or self-destruct when you get triggered
engaging in erratic behavior when you feel emotionally activated
oscillating between seeking closeness and avoidant behaviors
How to Strengthen Your Attachment to Self and Others
Attachment theory is rooted in concepts of neuroscience and early childhood development. Children thrive when they have a secure attachment figure who can consistently attune to their needs.
When that's missing- when the caregiver is hostile, neglectful, critical, or unreliable- it affects the child's concept of safety within the world. They don't feel they can really trust others, even if they know they need to depend on others for survival. This is the essence of how disorganized attachment can manifest.
The good news is that neuroscience shows the brain is malleable and capable of integrating new information to change. No attachment style is truly fixed; better yet, secure attachment can be earned over time.
Strengthen Your Self-Awareness
Attachment disorganization often feels like inner chaos. You toggle between anxious and avoidant behaviors.
So, with that, pay attention to when your conflicting emotions feel heightened. Notice when you find yourself engaging in contradictory behaviors or acting in ways that push other people away. When is your ego in the front seat?
As you build this mindfulness, you can become more empowered in noticing and changing disorganized behavior.
Integrate More Self-Compassion
People with a disorganized attachment style often engage in harmful coping mechanisms to cope with their intense emotions. For example, you may abuse substances, overeat, compulsively shop, or self-harm. These mechanisms help you escape initial and intense feelings of shame.
Learning how to self-regulate is a critical skill, and it does take time to develop. With that, you are not "bad" or "broken" just because you experience an insecure attachment style. You probably had very hard things happen to you, and self-compassion offers a sense of inner softness.
It may be helpful to conceptualize your disorganized attachment style as a self-protective part of you. Rather than shaming this part, aim to get more curious. How has this attachment style aimed to keep you safe? When it gets activated, how can you drop in and listen to what it wants (rather than try to suppress it altogether)?
Engage in Trauma-Focused Therapy
Insecure attachment styles often emerge from traumatic childhoods. If your attachment figures were abusive, unreliable, or neglectful, it may have led you to distrust others. Inconsistent behavior can be just as impactful- if a parent was sometimes kind and loving but sometimes dismissive or cruel, you may have developed a sense of hypervigilance around others.
Therapy can help you address unresolved trauma, low self-esteem, maladaptive coping strategies, and some of the other struggles associated with disorganized attachment.
Spend Time With Those Who Have Secure Attachment
We all need healthy role models, and people with a more secure attachment style bring the following assets to relationships:
strong sense of self (they know their core needs and values)
boundaries and respect for other people's boundaries
ability to respectfully engage in effective communication, including healthy conflict resolution
willingness to hold themselves accountable for their wrongdoings
flexibility in how they can regulate their emotions when overwhelmed
Other people influence us, so when you're around people who prioritize their health- and the health of others- their energy rubs off on you.
Strengthening Your Attachment With Resurface Group
Good, healthy relationships give life a sense of purpose and meaning. In that same vein, unhealthy relationships can dramatically affect your mental health. We all need emotional support, and we all benefit from having secure attachments with others.
At Resurface Group, we help people understand their attachment needs and reconcile the inner conflict that often coincides with connection and intimacy. This intersects with how we understand and treat a variety of mental health issues, including depression, anxiety, PTSD, and more.
Contact us today to learn more about our dynamic programs and how we can help you or your loved one.
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