Have you noticed that certain good friends are distancing themselves from you? Do you feel like you're always stuck in toxic relationships? Have you considered that maybe you're the toxic one?
Engaging in self-reflection can be so profound, but it can also be deeply unsettling.
As you strengthen your internal insight, you may recognize exhibiting patterns within yourself that you don't like. Maybe you note having a toxic trait that causes harm to you or other friends.
If that's the case, change is possible- even when you're stuck in deeply-rooted patterns. Let's get into what you need to know.
Unpack What Makes You Toxic
Underneath any toxic behavior lies an unmet need. For example, maybe you are critical of others because you are insecure and need validation yourself. Perhaps you gossip about your friends because you value having a sense of power or control. Or maybe you gravitate toward toxic friendships because you struggle to accept that you're worthy of healthy friendships.
Recognizing these needs- and coming to terms with your inner wounding- can be painful. It may open up old, unresolved traumas from your past. You might also recognize that your toxic behaviors were passed down to you intergenerationally.
However, this self-analysis is an important part of the introspective process. You need to understand why you engage in toxic behaviors if you actually want to change them.
Hold Yourself Accountable and Make Amends
Change takes time. This is true for everything, including untangling yourself from toxic behavior.
With that said, if you want to change how you interact with others or engage with friends, you need to acknowledge your actions. Don't get defensive or try to rationalize why you've done what you've done- simply note what has happened and how it has affected people in your life.
From there, apologies may be in order. When apologizing to others, be concise but sincere. If someone gives you feedback, actively listen and try to integrate it as best you can. Don't expect people to automatically forgive you, but make it known that you're willing to do what you can to make things right.
Set Your Own Internal Boundaries
If you want to avoid perpetuating a toxic friendship, consider what's in your control. What behaviors do you need to stop doing? Some common ones include:
being flaky or unreliable
talking poorly about your friend behind their back
pressuring them to do things they don't really want to do
projecting jealousy onto them
dominating conversations to talk about yourself
frequently giving unsolicited advice
trying to control their behavior
These behaviors exist on a wide continuum, and it's important to be aware that one-off mistakes don't generally have the same consequences as consistently engaging in these behaviors.
But once you have identified the behaviors you want to change, it's time to set your internal limits. You can do this by considering the specific triggers that lead you to those particular actions. Then, think about how you can respond to those triggers differently. You may notice that you resist making those changes- or that you justify the unwanted behavior- but that often speaks to the discomfort associated with letting go of habitual patterns.
Focus on Moving Forward
Unfortunately, some friendships can't be reconciled despite your best efforts or changes. This can be a painful reality- especially when you realize you caused most of the negative impact within the dynamic.
Regret can be an adaptive emotion, and it can help orient you toward making better decisions in the future. No matter what happened with your friends, allow yourself to sit with your emotions, feel the hurt, and focus on letting go.
Even the most 'toxic person' isn't inherently doomed to stay toxic forever. Change is possible, and moving forward requires focusing on how you will continue making amends and doing the right thing in the future.
Seek Professional Support
Sometimes toxic behavior coincides with certain mental health issues like depression, anxiety, personality disorders, substance use disorders, and more. Your mental health concerns aren't inherently your fault, but you are responsible for managing your recovery.
Therapy can help you recognize your behavioral patterns by offering a supportive space to understand your feelings and needs. A good therapist can help you strengthen your relationships and help you become the kind of friend you'd ultimately like to have.
Strengthening Your Relationships and Mental Health at Resurface Group
A healthy friendship embodies mutual respect, kindness, and generosity. True friends care about nurturing their friendship, and they equally care about honoring one another's autonomy.
At Resurface Group, we help people build their self-esteem, strengthen their emotional well-being, and prioritize intimate, close relationships. Connection promotes healing, but we want those connections to feel healthy and fulfilling.
Contact us today to learn more about our dynamic programs, including Resurface Connect, our fully virtual IOP that's in-network with most insurance companies.
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